simplicity

dear christian,

you are more than a month old! and you've grown so much (nek nek warned that i shouldn't praise you or say good things about you out loud - tsk tsk, so i'll stop here). mommy learned so much about life within this short span of time. many prior suspicions are confirmed. for example, my time really isn't mine and my life really isn't mine. there are things that take them away from me but if they weren't mine to begin with, i'm just returning them): nursing, diapering, rocking, soothing, bathing, worrying. slowly i begin to realize that my life is for the pouring out. and right now, you are almost the sole consumer. and it's okay, it makes sense to mommy. it's not about owning my time, it's about giving my time. it's not about owning my life, it's about giving it. and slowly, i'm learning to let go.

to let go, to not grip onto the the false sense of permanence. life is not controllable. life is not about permanence. yet, i can't tell you how much time i've devoted to either controlling it or combating chaos and unpredictability. but you taught mommy what life force is about - it's about the spontaneity, much like your cries. it's about simple needs, it's about going with the flow. finding equilibrium on the go, losing equilibrium constantly and then being kind to myself and forgiving myself.

and mommy and daddy learned to love through the waves of randomness. we received a lot of blessings that were surprising even to us. we can't believe the generosity of our friends (new and old) whose company was sheer joy. they showered you with so much love too. i can't wait for you to get to know them better. and just last night, in one of your fretful moments, daddy and mommy cuddled you to sleep on our bed... it was a special moment. and mommy realize that your need is really simple - that daddy and mommy not only love you but love each other deeply.

love you forever,
mommy