the past

met up with Lifen - I haven't seen her since Christian was born. It was good to see her - we've known each other since high school but had "spottily" caught up with each other over the years. when i had to move away to go to grad school, i had lost touch with most of my friends. it's sort of like the "meant-to-be" thing - those people that are mere aquaintances just dropped out of your circle, or you of theirs. and there were friendships that just didn't make it. in some ways, people do change and evolve so the preferences are not as aligned anymore. but with Lifen, there was always something to talk about. these early friendships (we were 13 when we met) are like signposts of who you are deep in your core. they just last.

i was really glad that she looked radiant and seemed to be doing well. i had been concerned for her. i brought alex with me since Lifen's not seen her before. and then she asked the all important question: do you want another baby?

i do. i love babies. i love that i could produce babies who are so cute (which baby isn't cute, by the way?) i love being pregnant. but i seriously doubt i could hold down a job and have another kid. the marginal cost is catching up with the marginal benefit. i hate to think about it in such mercenery terms that's so close to being "crass", but i know deep down i do have a ledger and i'm slowly ascending the hill of happiness and if i'm not careful, i might start on the descending route (in short, my objective function is concave).

how do people come up with the right number of kids? for us, it's between 2 or 3. 4 is a stretch. i grew up in a family where emotions were tumultous and when there was a peaceful day, i wondered when the next storm would start up. there were 4 kids and i found comfort in that number. i felt safer because there were 4 of us. but i also wondered, and sometimes still do, if the 4 kids contributed in any way to the acceleration of the breakdown of my parent's marriage.

the past does color the future. the past does affect how i view as important in building a strong marriage and a family. could i finish internalizing everyone's hill of happiness? well, eric could figure out his own quite well (he always has a strong sense of what he wants), but alex's and christian's? and, mine?